Alcohol Quotes | Witty Quotes on the Joy of Drinking

Drinking has inspired wit, humor, and endless memorable moments. Here’s a collection of quotes celebrating the joys (and occasional regrets) of alcohol with humor and insight.

Alcohol & Truth

A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
I drink to make other people more interesting. – Ernest Hemingway
A drunk man never tells a lie.
The drunk tongue speaks for the sober heart.
A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk. – Charlie Chaplin
Dear alcohol, we had a deal where you’d make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer… I saw the video, we need to talk.
Alcohol: Some of the best times you’ll never remember.
When Wine Goes in Wisdom Comes Out.
I drink to forget, but I can’t remember why.
I drink and think, but don’t think and drink.
The true strength is not in the ability to drink without consequence, but in the ability to walk away.
The drunk mind speaks the honest truth.

Funny Drinking Sayings

If the ocean was vodka and I was a duck, I’d swim to the bottom and never come up. But the ocean’s not vodka, and I’m not a duck, so pass me the bottle and shut up!
Beer is now cheaper than gas, so drink, don’t drive!
My boss didn’t know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted and have the time of your life!
Beer: Because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.
Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy. – Frank Sinatra
Why do bars have parking lots if drinking and driving is illegal?
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but neither does milk.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink; when they wake up in the morning, that’s the best they’ll feel all day.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy alcohol, which is pretty much the same thing.
I only drink on two occasions: when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.
Drink triple, see double, act single.
I have a drinking problem: two hands and only one mouth.

Drinking Habits

I only drink alcohol on days that end in “y.”
I drink because I work; I work so I can drink.
Alcohol doesn’t solve your problems, but then again, neither does milk.
I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem!
Rehab is for quitters.
I don’t drink anymore. I don’t drink any less either.
Alcohol – Because you can’t drink bacon.
Whiskey makes you frisky, but tequila makes you fall over.
Drinking alone is the beginning stage of alcoholism; drinking with friends is a hobby.
Nothing lasts forever, so live it up, drink it down, and laugh it off.
I make wine disappear. What’s your superpower?

Alcoholic Wisdom Quotes

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. – Ernest Hemingway
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat; it makes you lean… against tables, chairs, and people.
If drinking and driving is illegal, why do bars have parking lots?
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Benjamin Franklin
It takes skill to be a great drunk. How else can you fall and not spill your drink?
The first glass is for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the fourth for my enemies. – William Temple
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. – George Bernard Shaw
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Drink responsibly? Well, I tried, but nobody offered me a brand called “Responsibly.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Alcohol Adventures

When life gives you lemons, grab the tequila and salt!
Alcohol: Because no good story ever started with a salad.
Drink till she looks cute.
If you start talking to your beer, you’re drunk. If the beer talks back, you’re wasted.
In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb things while sober, too.
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy beer, and that’s kind of the same thing.
I went to bed drunk and happy, woke up tired and hurting… obviously sleep is a bad thing.
We’re all addicted to something that takes away the pain.
I swear to drink, I didn’t God tonight, ossifer!
Beer will save the world… I don’t know how, but it will.
Alcohol is like Photoshop for the soul; everything looks better after a drink.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

Philosophy of Drinking

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. – F. Scott Fitzgerald
I drink to forget that I drink. – Joe E. Lewis
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. – Hunter S. Thompson
Alcohol is the answer. What was the question?
Good friends make the world go round, but good beer makes the room go round.
Alcohol doesn’t fix problems, but it does make them funnier.
I used to think drinking was bad, so I stopped thinking.
There’s no beer in heaven, so we might as well drink it here.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart
Let’s get drunk, make mistakes, and blame it on the alcohol.

Celebrating with Alcohol

The whole world is about three drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart
Great love affairs start with Champagne and end with headaches.
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. – Homer Simpson
Why do we toast with champagne? Because bubbles make everything better.
Alcohol may not solve all your problems, but it’s worth a shot.
Wine is sunlight, held together by water. – Galileo Galilei
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. – W.C. Fields
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
We toast to our friends and those we know. And those we do not know, them we toast with.
There’s nothing wrong with my liver; it’s been well-preserved in alcohol.

Alcohol has been the source of many great stories, laughs, and occasional regrets. Whether you’re toasting to friends or finding humor in the hangovers, these quotes capture the lighter side of life with a drink in hand. Cheers to that!