Funny Marriage Quotes & Sayings | Married Life Comedy

Marriage is a blend of love, compromise, and a lot of humor. These funny quotes capture the hilarious side of marriage that anyone who has tied the knot can relate to.

Hilarious Quotes About Marriage Roles

• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband!
• Husband is the HEAD of the family and wife is the NECK that turns the head around!
• I married Miss Right. I didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
• A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
• Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years, you need a club and a spade.
• My wife treats me like a God… She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• My hubby may wear the pants in our family, but I control the zipper!
• Behind every successful wife stands a surprised mother-in-law.
• A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Marriage and Communication: Funny Sayings

• The only time my wife listens to me is when I’m talking in my sleep.
• The secret to a happy marriage is: whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden Nash
• My wife says I never listen to her. (Or something like that.)
• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
• Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
• Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops.
• The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.
• I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. – Sam Kinison
• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterward. – Benjamin Franklin
• The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. – E. Joseph Cossman

Love and Humor: Marriage Quotes

• I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
• A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
• Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. – Evelyn Hendrickson
• Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock!
• Marriage is grand. Divorce, 200 grand.
• Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. And they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein
• Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. – François de La Rochefoucauld
• Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot. – Minnie Pearl
• Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree, and a woman gets her master’s degree.
• The decision to stay unmarried is the beginning of wisdom.

Funny Marriage Quotes About Daily Life

• The only time my wife is listening to me is when I’m saying, “Do you want some money?”
• Marriage is like a deck of cards: in the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. After a while, you wish you had a club and a spade.
• I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then, it was too late. – Max Kauffmann
• The secret to a good marriage is… Divorce!
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• Marriage is far more complicated than quantum physics.
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. – Henny Youngman
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
• Wife is cute when she is mute. Husband is honey when he gives money.

Marriage and Divorce: Funny Sayings

• Marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce.
• Why are divorces so expensive? Because they are worth it.
• 100% of divorces start in marriage.
• If marriages are made in heaven, then it’s obvious that someone up there doesn’t like us.
• Marriage is a sentence… A life sentence.
• The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.
• The secret to a good marriage is… Divorce!
• Marriage is an institution in which those who are out want to get in, and those who are in want to get out.
• Marriage is grand. Divorce is 200 grand.
• Marriage turns night owls into homing pigeons.

Marriage has its ups and downs, but humor is one of the best ways to keep it light and joyful. Whether you’re newly married or have been in the game for decades, these funny marriage quotes capture the essence of love, laughter, and lifelong companionship.