Funny and Witty Smoking Quotes | Humorous Takes on Smoking

Sometimes humor is the best way to address serious matters, and smoking is no exception. These funny smoking quotes will make you laugh and think twice before lighting up.

• Quitting smoking is easy… I’ve done it a thousand times. – Mark Twain
• Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. – Mark Twain
• Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.
• It’s been proven that 100% of people that smoke die… it’s also been proven that 100% of people who don’t smoke die too.
• Whenever I think to quit smoking, I need a cigarette to think. – Anonymous
• Cigarettes are killers that travel in packs.
• Why Drink and Drive… When you can Smoke and Fly!
• Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
• Love and smoking are the same things. Both of them hurt us on leaving.
• Whenever I see someone smoking, I always think, why isn’t that cigarette doing the job faster?
• Smoking kills, but if you’re lucky it will take a while. – Anonymous
• The best way to quit smoking is to just stop… No ifs, ands or butts. – Edith Zittler
• Smoking helps you lose weight—one lung at a time.
• Harassing me about my smoking may be hazardous to your health!
• I hate cigarettes, that’s why I burn them. – Anonymous
• It ruins your life, her life, and their lives. – Anonymous
• Smoking is like cutting onions—it affects you and the people beside you.
• I make it a rule never to smoke while I’m sleeping. – Mark Twain
• If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. – Douglas Adams
• I always think about quitting smoking… but then I remember what my grandmother told me: I am no quitter!

Witty Quotes on Quitting Smoking

Quitting smoking is a challenge many face, but it’s often met with humor and wit. These quotes make light of the difficulties while encouraging the journey to quit.

• Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go.
• The best way to stop smoking is to carry wet matches.
• Stop smoking! Each cigarette shortens your life by approximately 12 minutes.
• It is easier to stay out than get out. – Mark Twain
• Smoking is a trap, not a pleasure.
• The best time to stop smoking is when the cigarette arrives at the filter.
• Smoking is an expensive way to kill yourself.
• Every year thousands of people quit smoking by dying.
• The only safer cigarette is your last one.
• Quitting smoking is like learning to walk again—it’s tough, but the rewards are worth it.
• If you can’t stop smoking, cancer will. – Anonymous
• I tried to stop smoking but the withdrawal made my life even harder. Then I decided I would stop complaining and just quit!
• I’m not a quitter when it comes to life, but smoking… I had to quit! – Anonymous
• Rehab is for quitters—proud, smart quitters!
• I can’t stand quitters—except when they quit smoking.

Famous Smoking Quotes

These famous quotes about smoking come from notable authors, thinkers, and celebrities who had their own views on the subject.

• Smoke your pipe and be silent; there’s only wind and smoke in the world. – Irish Proverb
• I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time. – Mark Twain
• To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I’ve done it a thousand times. – Mark Twain
• I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven’t had time for tobacco since. – Arturo Toscanini
• If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go. – Mark Twain
• The believing we do something when we do nothing is the first illusion of tobacco. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
• A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. – Oscar Wilde
• The threat of nicotine withdrawal is like having a cat on your doorstep but in your mind, you interpret it like a tiger. – Anonymous
• Cigarettes are killers that travel in packs. – Anonymous
• Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. – Sigmund Freud

Quotes on the Dangers of Smoking

While smoking is often joked about, the dangers are very real. These quotes highlight the darker side of the habit, with a touch of humor.

• Cigarettes are a classy way to commit suicide. – Kurt Vonnegut
• Cancer cures smoking. – Anonymous
• Smoking kills… but lucky for me, I like a challenge! – Anonymous
• The more you smoke, the shorter your life gets, just like your cigarette. – Anonymous
• A cigarette a day keeps the doctor in pay! – Anonymous
• If you think smoking is cool, then you’re not looking at the big picture. – Anonymous
• Smoking is like slow poison, but you are the one who lit the match. – Anonymous
• Smoking kills and cars account for more than 35,000 deaths a year in the USA alone. Quit both, walk to the store for your cigarettes… Oh, wait!
• I say no to cigarettes, but they don’t listen. – Anonymous
• The best way to quit smoking is to keep wet cigarettes. – Anonymous
• Smoking kills, but not as fast as living unhealthy and reckless. But who’s counting?
• The trouble with smoking is that it causes cancer—exactly what cigarettes are designed to do.

Light-Hearted Quotes About Smoking

While quitting is important, sometimes it’s nice to see the lighter side of things. These quotes take a more casual, humorous approach to the topic of smoking.

• I only smoke after meals. I’m down to 20 meals a day. – Anonymous
• If I can’t smoke cigars in heaven, I won’t go! – Mark Twain
• Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. – Fletcher Knebel
• A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry is to a woman. – Edward Bulwer-Lytton
• Rehab is NOT for quitters—it’s for those who care enough for the ones they love.
• If you are going to try the cigarette once in your life, think again—because that cigarette will try you for the rest of your life.
• I like to walk in the fog because no one can see me smoking. – Anonymous
• Cigarettes are the perfect way to start conversations with strangers—who tell you to quit. – Anonymous
• One cigarette can mean the difference between a pacifist and a mass homicide. – Anonymous

Smoking is often joked about, but at its core, it is a serious habit that affects millions. Whether you’re a smoker looking for a reason to quit or just someone who enjoys a bit of humor, these quotes provide insight and laughter in equal measure.

• Smoking kills, but at least it’s slow. That’s why I love it.
• Quitting smoking is like changing a habit, and the best time to start is now.
• If you’re still lighting up, remember—it’s never too late to put out your last cigarette.